Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Secessionists take note.

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.

We in Maryland intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes New York, California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get* Intel* and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard (*Princeton, Penn, Haverford, Colgate, U of R)*,. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. 
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, *95% of America's quality wines* (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico


Anonymous said...

Any poor loser that wants to remove themselves from the Union and signs a petition should lose their citizenship and their right to vote.

If they are unhappy enough to sign the petition then they pay the consequences.

Timeshare Jake said...

So Jim, are those liberal secessionists in Vermont who overwhelmingly voted for Obama okay with you?

You seem to have forgotten your American history. Our republic was founded on a secessionist movement that was driven by Thomas Paine and reinforced by Jefferson's Declaration of Independence. Secession is truly and American value.

Anonymous said...

BB - Take a hike by all means. I'm sure those losers in Texas will let you in. You and Billy.

Anonymous said...

Actually, if you look at the county election map of the United States, we red-assed voters get lots more than you describe.

Cars are built in states other than the UAW dominated rust belt area.

You can have New York City, we get the rest of New York. You get L.A., San Fran, and the cities and we get the redwood forest. You get the cities in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan and Ohio. We get all of the good fishing areas.
There are excellent (though not nude) beaches on the Gulf Coast. We get damn near all of the swamp land and Duck Dynasty.

I'll take Ole' Miss (pretty girls and all) you can have St.Johns and Loyola.

You can keep the Northeast and the lobster. I'll eat frog legs, crawdads, suckers and fried shrimp.

And, you blue voters need to pay some taxes for all of the free shit you are getting from the people paying taxes in the red counties.

Anonymous said...

So how do you conservatives explain why the top ten "taker" states are red and nine of the top ten "giver" states are blue?

Timeshare Jake said...

I am pretty sure Billy Long wants business as usual and big government. Not sure he would fit in with the smart people of Texas who have one of the most powerful economies in the world.

I see you would rather throw insults rather than talk history. I thought Jim's readers were more intelligent. Sorry Jim. I overestimated some of your readers.

Anonymous said...

Secession is truly and American value.....perhaps more like poor losers stupidity.

Sounds like school kids on the play grounds, I'll just take my marbles and go home.

Fine, form your own state, a state of Nothing. Never happen, just thetoric and more like BS.

Anonymous said...


What? And, what are you on?

Anonymous said...

Somebody tell Bumbling Bill that Texas RECEIVES four times MORE federal money than it pays in.

We would make money if we'd blow the whole state to hell and forget about it.

Or, a more humane way of doing things, give Texas back to Mexico. It really theirs anyway....we took it from THEM.

I love the way the Texans gripe about the Mexicans and they're the ones who don't belong's Mexico's land.

I also like the way ALL my freaking neighbors are from TEXAS and they're leaving that state like rats off a sinking ship because they say it's so crazy there.

Anonymous said...

Not sure what Anonymous means who stated 'we' took Texas from Mexico, as Texas became an independent republic prior to joining the United States. It was a war for independence fought by both Mexicans living in Texas and other immigrants who lived in Texas.
And regarding those people who say this land belonged to someone else; to the victor belongs the spoils.
The various Native American nations fought savage wars prior to Europeans arriving and took land from each other. The Spaniards came and took the land from the Mayan's and Inca's. Etc., etc.
Some day, another nation will eventually conquer the lands we currently control when our citizens lose sight of what made the U.S.A. worth fighting for.
Which won't be long from what I see from this blogs commenter's.

Anonymous said...

China now legally owns the United States.