Niche Marketing Hits Greater Springfield

All of Springfield is a twitter over the limited edition dolls released for the Greater Springfield market. These are sure to become collector's items and are only sold via email.


"Highland Springs Barbie"
This Princess Barbie is only sold at The Battlefield Mall. Comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, Lexus SUV, long-haired foreign dog named Honey and cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.


"Ravenwood South Barbie"
This Modern Day Homemaker Barbie is available with Ford WindStar Minivan and matching gym outfit. Gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.


"West Plains Barbie"
This Recently Paroled Barbie comes with 9mm handgun, Ray Lewis knife, Chevy with dark-tinted windows, and Meth Lab Kit. Model only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills).


"Fremont Hills Barbie"
This Yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, American Express card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.


"Republic Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, Nascar T-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Accessories include six-pack of Bud Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set. Doll can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken's butt when drunk. Pickup truck sold separately but you get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free!


"The Pickwick/Walnut Street Barbie"
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available, as well as a warehouse conversion condo.


"Little Italy Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Barbie's palace. Ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.


"Galloway Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Galloway Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon with bike rack, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.


"Northtown Barbie"
This classic Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.


"Branson Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. She can sing and dance and her hair never moves. We don't know where Ken is because he's always hunting or fishing.


"Commercial Street Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.


(I asked my email correspondent who sent me this piece who is responsible for the dolls. He replied, "I just received it and do not know the source. Can't you attribute it to a creative, unknown source? Give praise to the local talent who created it and tell them to keep up the good work.")