Army Reduces Weight Rules

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - After meeting in a retreat at McDonald's Hamburger University in suburban Chicago last month, a committee of top U.S. Army brass settled on a new way to offset recruitment problems and enlarge the size of its troop force.

Following the modern trend toward giantism in all things American, officials said they would allow fat people to sign up to fight terrorists around the world.

"Since we have had trouble recruiting more people in recent years, we decided it would be easy to make up for it by dropping weight limits," said Maj. Gen. Thomas Pounds, chairman of the committee. "That idea came up when one of our officers noted that fighting terrorists will involve more hand to to hand combat. Heavier guys would be able to overpower and crush those skinny, undernourished guerrilas who live on diets of rice and goat cheese."

Pounds said the officer who came up with the idea will be awarded the Army's medal of the arches, and receive a year's worth of gift certificates to the nation's top fast-food stores.

Colonel Sean Scales, another member of the committee and a top Army chaplain, said there was another reason, just as important, for adoption of the new policy.

"It was acknowledged that God blesses America, and since that is so, He would agree that it is proper for the Army to sign up obese recruits," Scales said. "Moreover, our decision is another breakthrough toward greater equality for all people in our nation."

However, Howard Fie, a retired Army veteran and president of the Committee to Keep our Military Mighty, took a dim view of the weight liberalization.

"First we let in the blacks, then women, then gays, then criminals, and now it's the lard asses," Fie said. "What in the world is next?"


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